This blog was, for awhile, a place of therapy for me. I could come here, pour out all my thoughts and feelings about what was going on in my life, and feel better afterward, like I’d had a good cry about it all, but without the puffy eyes and snotty nose. I’ve also celebrated here, which is also good therapy for me. But this blog has always been about my view of life, what I see, hear, feel and think about what goes on around me.
But then, Oldest Son got wind of what was here and took great offense at having the details of his life as it affected me published for all to see. And try as I might, I have not been able to let loose with what’s really going on in my life since then, even though I wrote that I was over it. Apparently, I wasn’t, because I’m having the most in-my-face summer and can’t seem to let fly with much of any of it.
So I find myself between a rock and a hard place…several of them, actually.
For example, I have a relationship in my life (Person A) that has been fucked up in one way or another for as long as I can remember. Though I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t change other people, I am finding it more and more intolerable to be quiet about the effects this relationship with Person A is having on another equally important relationship with Person B.
And even as I type that, I realize that I’ve long ago given up “shopping for bread in a hardware store” where Person A is concerned. I’m not even mad about it anymore. It is what it is and I get that. What’s really getting my goat is the feeling of abandonment I have where my relationship with Person B is concerned because Person B doesn’t have the balls to tell Person A to shut the hell up and butt out…not even for a moment. So now I have to do the work of letting go again and coming to terms with the fact that once again – it is what it is.
Then there’s the ever-present knowledge that, as a mother, even my best intentions are leaving wounds I may not get the chance to heal. Try as I might, every choice is fraught with opportunities to nurture and neglect and which becomes the end result is not always up to me, but is sometimes determined by the perspective and world view of my child. Getting ok with the choices I make, regardless of the interpretation of others, is a full-time job. The only way I know to be effective in minimizing the neglect is to be open and communicate my ‘whys’ when appropriate, but even more importantly, I must listen – even when I don’t like what I hear.
Sometimes you catch what feels in the moment like a break, but turns out to be a humbling awakening to more “facts” about the people you love that you’re pretty sure you could have lived without knowing. There is a circle of life, for sure, and sometimes it’s tainted and unhealthy and feels impossible to change. But in the tiny space between that particular rock and hard place, I’ve learned that all it really takes to effect change is one small step outside the circle. You don’t have to change everything to change everything. You just have to take one step and the whole pattern is different by default. Do one thing that those who came before you either couldn’t or wouldn’t do, and history doesn’t have to repeat itself.
Life between a rock and a hard place makes you stronger, if you let it. Or you can choose to see yourself as a victim. It’s really up to you. The facts of the situation won’t change, but you can change your mind about what you choose to focus on, what you choose to conclude and what you choose to do about it.
If you’re not getting what you need from your relationships, first look to see that you’re doing your part to meet the other person halfway. If the other person can’t or won’t meet you in the middle, then you’re better off nurturing a relationship with someone who can and will. Nevermind where love and approval are “supposed” to come from. If you love and approve of yourself, you’ll know that when someone can’t meet you halfway, it’s about them, not you, and when someone can, your life becomes richer because you’ve let them in.
My life is considered by many to be controversial and non-traditional. I suppose they’re correct. I have lived most of it between a rock and a hard place, trying to make impossible choices without much of a map to go by. I’ve had to learn to take what works for me and leave the rest. I am incredibly strong. I don’t spend a lot of time crying for what can’t be or isn’t. I’m brave enough to let a few people close to me and I’ve chosen well because I get the support I need. I mother with a fierceness that uses me up and feeds me at the same time, and that fierceness bleeds over into how I live the rest of my life. I revel in the messiness, imperfection and beauty of my life because it’s my proof that I’m living, not hiding.
So, to those who take exception to me and would spend their time judging and trying to change me, I say, “Go look in the mirror – your work is there.”
Between a rock and a hard place is where you find out who you are.
Wise words indeed, from a person who knows whereof she speaks.
The heart is a mighty warrior and love will out over all.
Peace prevails where fierce love endures. . .
Power to the heart-centered ones 🙂
.-= Nancy Boyd´s last blog ..Weather Alert =-.
“…the heart is a mighty warrior…” amen. and while it gets tired, it never gives up the fight. that thought never occurs….
Oh Suzanne – sorry for so much hard!!! But I’m glad you have such a strong sense of honoring who you authentically are. It really is the only piece we have control over, no matter how much we may wish otherwise. You truly are an inspiration. And much loved!
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Only Treasures =-.
It occurs to me that one sign of how much progress we make on our journey is the birds of a feather with whom we flock together. You, my friend, have some fabulous feathers!
you know that I feel you. Great post.
.-= Djuanna´s last blog ..APOOO- 7 Aug 09 =-.
Diva! I DO know…I do. Back at ya, over and over again.
Suzanne, i love reading your post, I also have friend who enjoys writing a blog or her minds just to voice out everything, instead of putting everything in a negative aspect, what she did is write about it and afterward she became happy about it and with this she get to have more friends that understand her. One day she told me that the relation she have with her family is the best. You inspire me…
.-= J.H.´s last blog ..Infinity Ward vender tilbage – heldigvis! =-.
Thank you, J.H. I think sometimes the common goal we all have is to be known. Not famous…known. Big difference.
Oh dear, I don’t want to feel sorry for you. Because at teh back of my mind, I know you won’t be needing it. You already know that you are incredibly strong and there is nothing that will or may keep you from standing your ground.
I wish you happiness.
Thank you for understanding, Cath, because feeling sorry for me is the last thing I want anyone to do. Many people tell me watching my life makes them feel tired, which makes me laugh, but I’d far rather that than pity.
Its seems like you are struggling with life,you have a spirit to face it and you are doing it pretty well by letting the world know all of it. That’s the way it should be , life must be like an open diary but dear all i want to say is a little bit of acceptance bring a lot of comfort and saves a lot of misery, when you instantly accpet the bad situation you are able to think clearly about what next! I have been trying it abd believe me the acceptance of the situation has brought some great results no it not any product or anything its just a change in your perspective.
Acceptance is a tricky one, James, and I am still learning its intricacies. But I do know it’s wholly and completely different than condoning or giving up, and that’s where the peace comes from. I’ve spent a lot of my life not knowing when to quit, but I’m figuring it out.
You don’t have to change everything to change everything.
Take care of #1 Suze, that’s you. Fill your glass first.
Love ya girl…all the time
.-= Christa´s last blog ..Laughter Yoga Club is here! =-.
ROFL…it’s taken me a long, long time to figure that one out, girlfriend. My perfectionist tendencies have stood in the way for way too long. But I’m living proof that you can never get too old to learn a new trick. 🙂
Love ya back, girl – all the time.
Hi, I am reading your blog for couple of weeks, and believe me a hard time comes in every 1’s life. But the way you handle is something different. I know you by reading your articles and you have been a true inspiration for me. So get your self together. Keep one thing in your mind “U r de BEST”.
Life is never easy as they say. We all have our problems and need to share them with someone else. Blog is just a type of public diary that everyone can read and it is tough not to get personal while sharing other people your thoughts and emotions. I think that your son could understand this if he was also having a need to talk to someone about his problems (your problems are probably not fully understandable to him). I just hope that it will all get better.
.-= Thomas´s last blog ..Bird’s Nest =-.
Very nice article…I know struggle is very important part of our life because it learns us how much important is that thing for which we are doing so much struggle. By reading your article I came to know that you faced a lot struggle in your life. We cannot run from it so accept it with great enthusiasm. Have a good luck!!!…