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Awareness sucks.

There. I said it.

Awareness is that critical ingredient that makes playing dumb, ignoring what’s right in front of my face, just plain impossible for me.

But, I try…oh, how I try sometimes. But awareness always kicks my ass and wins.

Now, I don’t help myself much, either, I must admit. I am constantly putting myself in situations and environments where I’ll be challenged, forced to grow. I’ve often said this feels like running headlong into a belt sander. It’s messy and painful, yes, but also very effective.

Instead of becoming a fleshy mess on the floor, I always come away shinier. Buffed to a Suzanne-glow like no other. I have several very shiny spots now, and I’m proud of them. And I have plenty more rough spots still needing attention.

This is not a life for the timid or meek, I grant you. But when cursed blessed with vivid self awareness, there’s really no other path.

Oh sure, I could try to take the easier, softer path. But I’ve had the experience of feeling my own power – the power to choose, the power to make a difference, the power to change the direction of my life with a single decision, the power to connect with like-minded others, and oh holy shit when that happens and you feel your own power amped up by theirs?


So, when I push myself and/or my life against the belt sander on purpose, it’s really an act of self love.