I’d have blown the left side of my head off around 3am this morning, if I owned one. Yes, I realize firearms are not typically the preferred tools for dentistry, but you couldn’t have convinced me of that this morning. This morning, a 9mm would have been perfect.

You see, I have 4 broken teeth riding around in my head right now – all molars, 3 of which decided to ‘wake up’ and make themselves known over the weekend. Lucky for me, these 3 are all on the left side of my head – 2 on the top and 1 on the bottom. The 4th one is on the top right, and is behaving itself, so far.

I blame this on my children. Yes, you read that right.

Why? Because before I had kids, I had 1 cavity. One lousy cavity in 22 years. But then came motherhood and the little suckers leeched all the calcium right out of my body. With each successive child, it’s gotten worse. Once I could have opened a bottle top with my teeth and now, I can’t chew bacon without swallowing a chunk of a tooth.

I’ve been on a campaign with my dentist for about the last 10 years to just pull all my damn teeth and fit me with a full set of dentures. But no – he won’t do it – says I’m too young. Bullshit – I know what that’s about. Root canals and crowns are mo’ money for him, all under the guise of ‘save the tooth if we can.’

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever!

Meanwhile, the roots of my top teeth are so long they go up into my sinuses, so every time I have sinus trouble, my teeth hurt and every time I have a tooth problem, my sinuses go nuts. And now, thanks to my calcium-sucking children, my teeth are crumbling at a rapid rate.

In a life without dental insurance, this sucketh big butt.

However, my best friend (who also happens to be the only person I know who still gets her news from the newspaper instead of the Internet) called today to tell me about an article in today’s paper about a place here in the city that does dental work for people without Medicare, Medicaid, or health/dental insurance of any kind. So, I called them and if I’m lucky, these 3 teeth will be gone within a week.

The lady who I talked with even told me about this stuff she found at Wal-Mart when she had a broken tooth that actually made it bearable until her dental appointment. It’s called Temparin One Step. $2.96 is all it cost me at WallyWorld, and I’m no longer contemplating blowing my head off to relieve the pain. When I go to get the teeth yanked, I’m going to hug that lady, for real.